Who blowtorched my throat?

I think someone crept into the bedroom last night, and blowtorched my throat as I lay sleeping. It hurts. And I'm almost out of paracetamol. There's no-one else here until much later this evening. So it looks like I'll have to haul myself out of bed, and over to the corner shop, where I'll be charged three times as much for everything I need. Oh God! How gross. I've just sneezed all over my laptop's screen.