MOUSE!!!

Help! Leo clambered in through the kitchen window in the wee hours, with a live mouse. He appeared outside my bedroom window, with a wriggling mouse in his jaws, so I ignored him. I had no idea the kitchen window was open.

The evil, vile rodent is now running around my house. Last seen scuttling under my fridge. I think I'm on the verge of a major coronary. Or a nervous breakdown. I need to go for a pee, but I have to go through the kitchen to get to the bathroom. What the eff do I do? Pee in a flower vase?

Knickers to humane extermination. I'm off to town for some lethal mousetraps. Ugh. I feel really, really unclean. Serves me right for forgetting to close the window. It's the first time in years I've forgotten to close it at night, simply because I know what Leo's like for bringing live prey home. I feel sick. My home has a verminous little sh*t running around it. And a mouse! I'm afraid Alfie's going to find himself on his own for an hour or two. I MUST get me a mousetrap.

I don't WANT to kill the mouse. I really don't. Even though it's vile vermin, it's not actually its fault that it's vile vermin. But mice are dangerous. They're filthy, full of disease, and like to start house fires by chewing through cables. In my eyes, that makes them tiny, hairy little terrorists.

Do humane mousetraps work? Probably not. I've looked on the Wilkinson site, and they sell traps that allegedly kill instantly. If I stick one behind the fridge, my zoo can't get at it, but the mouse will smell the bait. I really don't want to commit mousicide. But one mouse soon becomes an army. Sorry, mouse. It's me or you, and I'm too big to fit in the trap.

Damn you, mouse. Why are you making me kill you? I have such a guilt trip on at the moment.