Weird Wednesday - the squirrel menace

Today's Weird Wednesday focuses on the global squirrel menace. Don't be fooled by those cute, furry, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed little grey guys. They have an agenda every bit as heinous as any international terrorist. It's not just suicide bombers we have to be on the lookout for any more. Suicide squirrels are also out to get us, and no-one is safe. Don't believe me? Read on.

Just two weeks ago, on a very weird Wednesday, a squirrel went nuts (excuse the pathetic and feeble pun) in a Florida playground, sinking its teeth into a toddler, and a cop who arrived to arrest the nutter (yes, an even worse pun). This squirrel is still at large, after what is believed to be a failed bid at suicide by cop. An equally deranged squirrel went on the rampage in the German town of Passau. It attacked a woman in her home, causing her to run out into the street, screaming. It then took a chunk out of a nearby builder. But Nutkins made a fatal move when he attacked a 72 year old pensioner. The old guy promptly beat it to death with his crutch. A Finnish opera singer suffered a particularly brutal attack. He was knocked unconscious and suffered a broken nose as he was cycling to rehearsals, when a squirrel ran into the spokes of his bicycle. The squirrel didn't survive.

Let us not underestimate the squirrel menace. The little monsters have launched their very own terrorist attacks recently, and been involved in international espionage. A suspected squirrel suicide bomber was discovered aboard a Tokyo Airlines flight recently, hiding in the space above the cockpit. The plane made an emergency landing at Honolulu, because authorities suspected it planned to down the plane by chewing through electrical wiring. As there were no specialised squirrel cells available at Guantanamo, the squirrel was executed.

Another squirrel committed suicide in a bid to burn down a Texan forest. Bored with walking along power lines, it leapt into a transformer, sacrificing its life for its cause. It fell to the ground ablaze, setting alight thirty acres of land, eleven cars, a motorcycle and a house.

Squirrels have also turned to international espionage. Spy-squirrels were recently discovered in Iran. The state-sponsored news agency IRNA confirmed that 'in recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders. The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services.' Unconfirmed reports suggest the spy-squirrels were led by the notorious furry femme fatale, Nutahari.

Next time you're tempted to feed a squirrel, think twice. You could be accused of being a human collaborator, giving aid and comfort to a psycho-squirrel. This is exactly what a Chicago woman is alleging in a lawsuit against the owners of a shopping mall, after she was attacked there by a rampaging rodent. If she succeeds, she will collect $50,000. Or you could end up like pensioners Fred and Mary Gates, of Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire. They recently received an anonymous letter telling them an ASBO will be sought against them, if they continue to feed squirrels in their garden. Human collaboration with psycho-squirrels is clearly frowned upon by the upstanding citizens of Chicago and Aylesbury. This attitude is likely to go global, with the advancing squirrel menace. You have been warned.