Dear Aliens

Dear Aliens,

If you exist, do you have any plans to carry out abductions on Earth soon? If so, may I please suggest some suitable candidates for a nice ride in your shiny space ship?

The first is my next door neighbour. He's a beer-soaked numbskull, so he will be an excellent subject to study, especially if you're interested in the effects of alcohol on the human brain. You won't need to preserve his brain in a jar - it's already pickled. You may also find his inane, nanny-goat-on-helium laugh worth studying. Or his garden gnome collection. No-one on Earth has yet worked out why certain individuals collect garden gnomes, so you'll be doing us a huge favour if you find the solution to that mystery.

If you do decide to take him, can you take his bratty kids along for the ride? Or at least take their lead-filled, hob-nailed boots, so the sound of them continuously running up and down the stairs becomes a little less painful? His loud-mouthed, arrogant, drunken, inconsiderate lodgers may be of interest to you also, as examples of our planet's non-aquatic pondlife.

Should these candidates prove unsuitable for abduction, might I suggest the occupants of the student house just across the street? You may be interested in removing certain artefacts from their home, too. The most fascinating of these will be their CD players, speakers, and the amplifiers they place out in their garden, every time we have a dry evening. You should have no trouble locating them. Just listen for the sonic booms from their regular breaking of the sound barrier. Don't be afraid of the copious, loud missiles they fire into the air most evenings. These missiles are called fireworks - they won't down your ship. If all else fails, just follow the clouds of thick black smoke and the stench of cheap, burnt sausages, as their barbecue will most likely catch fire at some point in the evening, usually by the time the eighth or ninth box of wine has been consumed.

If none of these candidates proves suitable, you can take me. I'm sure even your experiments will be more pleasurable than a night listening to the aforementioned earthlings. Just give me a cuppa and a chocolate chip cookie afterwards (and a nice, quiet bed). If you decide to visit, please flash some lights and play a pretty tune to let me know you're there.

Yours Sincerely,

A very sleepy Siani.