Heads or Tails Tuesday - Express

It's been a fair few weeks since I participated in Heads or Tails, thanks to my ongoing computer woes. Well, as most of you know by now, my laptop has some serious issues, and I can no longer connect to the Internet with it. However, I've managed to crank up my ancient desktop. Believe me, there is nothing express about the way this machine runs.

On the subject of 'express' - that's today's Heads or Tails theme word. The first thing that came to mind was 'National Express'. I guess National Express is the UK's equivalent of the Greyhound buses in the US. The company runs a network of coach services, serving many of the UK's cities and towns. Personally, I HATE travelling by National Express.

Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against the company. My main bugbear arises from the fact that I suffer from travel sickness. I need plenty of fresh air, and lots of space around me when I embark on a long journey. Guess what? The windows on National Express coaches don't open. They have annoying little nozzle things above the seats that are supposed to supply you with a puff of fresh air, whenever you yank on them. But they never do.

If you ever have to travel on a National Express coach, try to avoid sitting anywhere near the back. That's where the lavatory is located. I once made the mistake of sitting near the back, and was almost gassed by nasty pongs coming from the lavatory. Not to be recommended, especially if, like me, you suffer from travel sickness.

Another difficulty I have with National Express coaches, is getting off the wretched things. The steps are very high. I can get on alright, but thanks to my arthritic spine and accompanying balance problems, the only way I can safely get off a National Express coach, is by sitting on the steps and bouncing down on my bottom. That doesn't go down too well with fellow travellers. Tough!

The last trip I took with National Express was most unpleasant. Some drunken fool sat by me on the return journey, but moved when I refused to talk to him and pretended to be asleep. Then, a silly student insisted on talking on his phone, very loudly, in a foreign language, for most of the four hour journey. When I tried to ask him to keep the noise down, he pretended he didn't speak English. Oddly enough, he understood immediately, when I finally snapped and said: 'either you shut up or I'll make you eat that phone'. Then, as everyone got off the coach, a poor old lady fell off those horrid steps and cracked her head open. Not nice. Especially for her.

I hope you'll forgive this rather lacklustre post. I just don't feel very creative when I'm sitting at a desk. It feels too much like work, and a lot less like fun. So I'll wrap it up in a minute. But before I do, I'd like to pay a tribute to the hostesses who used to dish up hot drinks and snacks on National Express coaches, at an exorbitant price. I don't see them aboard their coaches any longer which is a relief shame. I used to have fun watching them trying to serve teas and coffees on a moving bus, without drenching the intended recipient, or flirting with young men half their ages. Here's my tribute - the aptly titled 'National Express' by the Divine Comedy. Oddly enough, this song is all about travelling by National Express. I hope you find it as hilarious and entertaining as I do. Dont watch if you're offended by the word 'arse'. Enjoy!