Weird Wednesday is back!

I've been too pre-occupied with other things for the last couple of weeks, to come up with a Weird Wednesday report. But fear not - Weird Wednesday is back. Just to clarify, Weird Wednesday is not a meme - it's my own feature. Today's Weird Wednesday carries a parental advisory, as it's about men caught committing lewd acts and making feeble excuses to try to evade justice. So, this post is NOT FOR KIDS! Got that? Okay, let's get on with it.

A Scottish man has been sentenced to three years probation, after he was spotted trying to have sex with his bicycle. Please don't ask me how one has sex with a bicycle. I really don't know! 51 year old bachelor, Robert Stewart, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex, when he appeared at Ayr Sheriff Court. Stewart was also placed on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

The hapless defendant was caught frolicking with his bicycle by cleaners, when they entered his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr. Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told the court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex." The "extremely shocked" cleaners, informed the hostel manager, who called police. Stewart initially denied the offence, alleging there had been a misunderstanding whilst he was drunk.

We nip across the pond for this next story, to Worcester, Massechusetts. Dr. Peter A. Rice, who specialises in infectious diseases at the University of Massechusetts (UMass) Memorial Medical Center got into a spot of bother recently. He was arrested when he allegedly offered to pay a prostitute for sex. Alas for him, the lady was really an undercover cop posing as a prostitute. Dr. Rice is also a professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He allegedly approached the undercover cop and offered her $40 for sex. $40? Surely he could afford more than that on his wages, the stingy old devil. He was then arrested by vice squad officers engaged in a crackdown operation against prostitution and kerb-crawling.

“Probable cause was established for the arrest as soon as the offer to engage in sex for a fee occurred,” said Capt. Paul B. Saucier (saucier than who? Dr. Rice?), commander of the vice squad. “I’m not guilty,” said Dr. Rice during a brief interview. He insisted he was merely "gathering information" for his specialized research into sexually transmitted diseases. Dr. Rice, the author of around 150 professionally published medical articles, declined to comment further.

We return to the UK for today's final story. It's the woeful tale of a driving instructor who allegedly flashed his carrot, and got beaten by the big stick of the law, when he was found guilty of four sex attacks on female pupils. Teesside Crown Court heard how 51 year old Stephen Cooney (what is it with 51 year old men?) thought it hilarious to stuff a 12in carrot down his trousers, to try to fool his female pupil that he was excessively endowed. He took the hilarity one step further when he grabbed her hand and placed it on his genital area to make her think he was aroused. He told her that her driving was so good it got him excited, just before whipping out the carrot and attempting to pass his behaviour off as a prank.

But Cooney's dirty deeds didn't end there. He showed another female pupil close-up photos of his penis, which he kept in his glovebox (the photos, not his penis). A third woman recalled how he grabbed her breasts on a number of occasions during driving lessions, telling her that if she passed her test, she should run around a car park, flashing her breasts in celebration.

The woman subjected to his carrot “prank” told the court that she collapsed with shock afterwards. She recalled how he said ‘you’ve got me so excited’, leading her to believe he really did have an erection. She said: “I was shocked, disgusted. I thought I had got hold of an erection. Then he pulled the carrot out from down his flies. I started to cry.” The court also heard how, when another pupil failed her driving test, he offered to waive £80 she owed him, if she stopped at a lay-by and had sex with him. She told the court: "I just said 'No thank you, Steve'."

Cooney, of Marske-by-the-Sea, Cleveland, denied all the offences. He said he is a keen photographer, who took the shots of his penis to test the close-up function of a new camera. Yeah, right. He added that the pictures were hidden in the glove box out of sight, and that he hadn't shown them to anyone, nor had he ever intended to. According to him, the carrot incident was a harmless prank that went wrong. “It was a stupid mistake”, he said. Cooney, currently on bail, is due to be sentenced on December 7th.

That's today's Weird Wednesday, folks. Hopefully, there'll be more weird news for you next week.